Ravi knew not what he was doing. That had been pretty apparent for a while now. His vision was blurring around the edges, his hands shaking like an aspen in the breeze and his eyes starting like jelly out of their sockets. The world looked pretty screwy to his sozzled brain at that point and he was trying hard not to notice the way the bartender seemed to be transforming into conjoined triplets right in front of him. He took one more comforting sip from his glass and soaked gratefully in the resultant glow.
"Why izz liiife shuch a bitchhh man?"
"Pardon sir?"
"Why izz liife such a bitch?"
"Ah...I don't know sir."
"You happy with yours?"
"Reasonably enough, though I do want a new cocktail shaker. This one leaks."
"It does, does it?"
"Yes sir."
"So does life maaannnn! Remember that!"
"Sure sir."
Ravi downed the remaining alcohol as the barkeep returned to cleaning his precious glasses. The warmth flared up for a second into a blazing inferno before settling down into something more user-friendly. He ordered a refill from the friendly barkeep and turned back to staring morosely at the people partying behind him.
It was a normal average Friday night at a normal average trendy disc where normal average people dressed to the nines and literally drowning in make-up were letting it all go normally and averagely. And Ravi was cutting a lone sorry figure at the bar counter as the normal average stag guy who had tagged along with a bunch of couples and ended up paying through his teeth for entry. Is this worth it, he wondered for the umpteenth time as the couples of his party got down to serious hot and heavy stuff on the dance floor, is it really worth the pain and humiliation of being the only lonely bugger in this entire joint while Vikas keeps on groping Malti like it's no one's business? And god knows what John and Seema were doing alone in that corner! What a sorry sorry existence this is, Ravi concluded as the Sukhbir and Leena started making out openly barely three feet away from him. It was Friday night, he was drunk of his ass and there was no one to share this new-found vim and vigour with. Might as well call it a day and go play bridge with his grandfather and his retired chums like he normally did. Better than this irritating crap.
The barkeep, ministering angel that he was, chose this exact cue to enter with the refill. Ravi turned back to the counter with a grateful sigh and proceeded to lift the glass. I say proceeded, for a lilting feminine voice halted him in his tracks.
"Hi! Do you have the time?"
The glass stopped scant inches from his lips. He turned to where the voice came from and his jaw immediately dropped. The voice belonged to a very nice face with just the right shade of lipstick and oodles of glossy black hair flowing down it. The very nice face was in turn attached to a very very nice body that promised a lot beneath the deep-cut red-hot dress it was covered by. He gawked and gulped like a fish out of water, but those legs just wouldn't end. So he yanked his gaze right back to her eyes and tried not to look down too much.
"Excuse me? Hello!"
"Ah...glug!"
"Pardon?"
"Gah!"
"You'll have to speak up! It is too noisy in here!"
Ravi leaned in and almost burst a gasket at the vista that opened up in front of him. That was a really low-cut dress!
"Ten to midnight."
"What?"
"Ten to midnight!"
"Twelve?"
"No ten!"
"Ah! Glad we got that straight."
"Me too...hic!"
"Bless you."
"Thanks."
If there had been a rope Ravi would have hung himself with it by now. Not that he had the slightest chance in hell of doing anything productive with this bombshell, but he could have certainly done without the whiskey hiccups at this stage. He hurriedly put down his drink and pushed it aside.
"Crazy party hunh!"
"Puh...puh...party?" Ravi stuttered, shocked that this heavenly angel still wanted to talk to him.
"Yeah. Aren't you Rashmi's friend?"
"No."
"Funny. I thought you looked familiar."
"No wait...I know her... no, I mean...as in, I would love to know her."
"Really?" she replied, her eyes twinkling like twin sapphires.
"Why not? Any friend of yours is a friend of mine."
"How sweet! I almost find myself believing that crap."
"Crap? Er...crap? What crap? I see no crap. I speak the truth in the deepest truest sense of the word!"
"So if I tell you right now that I am going to continue talking to you even though I so obviously don't know you, then would you persist in befriending Rashmi?"
"Who's Rashmi anyway?"
"That woman right there, in the canary yellow dress."
"The pudgy one with frizzy hair?"
"Yeah that's the one, though the operative word is healthy and not pudgy."
"Um...I'm sure she is a wonderful lady..."
"But you wouldn't touch her with a barge pole."
"I would like to avoid that if you don't mind."
"That's quite all right. She is a bitch anyway!"
The woman proceeded to take the stool next to him. His drunken mind might have been playing tricks on him, but he thought she sidled a wee bit closer towards him too. He took the chance and leaned even closer towards her. She smiled playfully at that and leaned in even more closer herself.
"I'll tell you a little secret," she whispered, her hot breath sending chills down his spine.
"Ugh!" he replied eruditely.
"I think you are cute."
Ravi immediately crossed his fingers behind his back and clutched the wooden counter-top harder. This seemed too good to be true.
"And I know you find me cute too", she continued, running a finger teasingly down his shirt-front.
"Ungh ungh."
Her lips were almost touching his ear now. He tried not to shiver.
"So what do you think about leaving this joint and having our very own private party?"
Ravi couldn't stop a shiver going up and down his entire body at that. This was straight out of Naughty America! There had to be a catch!
Of course she chose that very moment to send her tongue exploring down his ear lobe. From that point on he was lost. He wanted her, no matter how much it cost.
"Ten thousand bucks honey and I'm all yours all night long!"
The rosy haze abated for a bit, enabling cold logic and calm reasoning to prevail for a bit. The testosterone still raged in the background, but even it knew enough to back off when such matters were concerned. Here's what cool calm logic came up with –
- Pro – She is HOT!
Con – He didn’t have ten thousand.
- Pro – She is so HOT!
Con – He had no chance in hell of borrowing any more money from anyone else.
- Pro – HOT!
Con – AIDS
- Pro – HOT!
Con – Empty meaningless fake sex
- Pro – HOT HOT HOT!
Con...Oh why do I even bother!
So here was Ravi, drunk, broke, lonely, depressed and oh so very horny! And here was the answer to all his problems nibbling at his ear lobe; mere currency notes separating him from more decadent pleasures. He had to have her. He had to!
“Um...couldn’t you be mine all night long for a little bit lower?”
The nibbling stopped immediately. She drew back and looked a little less warmly at him.
“I’m not cheap bub! Do you see all this?” she said, running a haughty hand up and down her body, “You think this is worth anything less?”
“Err...no, of course not, I didn’t want to offend you...but ten thousand is a bit steep...”
“Steep...why you little...this is Grade A top class stuff in front of you and you are haggling?”
The rosy haze had decidedly abated by now. There seemed to be a bit too much blush on her right cheek now, but she was still quite quite hot.
“This is not haggling...er...sorry I didn’t catch your name.”
“Bella.”
“Bella?”
“Yeah, Bella.”
“That your real name?”
“Of course not! I won’t go around telling johns my real name!”
“Fair enough. Why did you choose Bella then?”
“Why not? Seems like the in-thing these days. Exotic sounding too.”
“True true...so anyway Bella, I’m not haggling. Like you said, I’m cute and you are definitely very very attractive. I’m just trying to get us together with minimum fuss.”
“So fork over ten thousand then. I won’t make any fuss whatsoever.”
“But shouldn’t you give me a concession, seeing that you find me cute and all?”
“What crap! I tell that to every client. You’re no different buddy.”
The haze was vanishing faster now. Not only did she have too much blush on both cheeks, her lipstick was too loud and her dress was definitely too damn low to be called anything else but slutty. But boy was that cleavage amazing!
“Ok ok, no need to get personal. Let’s get down to brass tacks then.”
“Fine.”
“You want ten thousand.”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t have ten thousand.”
“How much do you have then?”
“Five, max.”
“Final?”
“Anything more and I’d have to sell my house.”
She bit her lip as she mulled over the offer. She was definitely not looking that attractive anymore. The hair was obviously a wig and the legs were propped up by six-inch heels. All that glitters is not gold; though it might it be silicone, he mused as he caught another glimpse of her bosom. Still, he had nothing better to do and silicone would definitely be a new experience. He was about open his mouth to seek confirmation this point when he caught her looking at something behind him. Further enquiry revealed a forty-something balding man in a shiny disco shirt whose protruding belly seemed to have a life of its own as he indulged in some eccentric dance moves. A heavy gold chain around his neck completed the ensemble and it was at this accessory that the erstwhile sex-bomb was staring hungrily.
“How much do you think that chain is worth?” she said almost dreamily.
“I don’t know, but looks quite expensive.”
“More than 10k right?”
“Much more. You don’t know how expensive gold is these days.”
“Yeah, expensive...”
She got up in a trance and began to move towards the chap. Ravi looked stupidly at this for a bit, before he jerked back to reality and grabbed her hand.
“Hey! Where are you going?”
The woman wrinkled her nose at him and immediately freed herself from his grasp. She began to move away again.
“Hey wait! What happened to our deal?”
She turned around at that and shot back at him,
“Deal? What deal? Whose deal? I remember no deal!”
“But...but...ten thousand...”
“You mean five thousand right, you cheap bastard!”
“I can make it six if you want. But that’s all I can do.”
“Oh how flattering! So much money for little ‘ol me?”
“Er...yes.”
“Well here’s what you can do with all your money!” she growled, making some innovatively rude hand gestures and stomping off.
He stared flabbergasted at her retreating back as she made her way through the throng. His gonads were crying out in anguish, but there was nothing he could do to assuage their pain. He could only continue watching dumbly as she engaged her new prey and began cosying up to him within no time at all. This ladies and gentlemen, he thought as he turned back to the bar, has to be the biggest, stupidest and most bloody miserable cock-block of all time. He settled his tab, downed his remaining drink and stumbled hurriedly out of the disc just as Vikas led a giggling Seema into another dark corner. Obviously, no one noticed his exit.
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