He hungered for what he knew not. He'd eschewed the fruits of this material earth long long ago, for they could never satiate this hunger of his. He'd sought solace in the wilderness, climbed mountains, plumbed ocean deeps, but that restlessness never left him. He meditated for ever and ever and ever, but peace still eluded him. Still this gnawing ache, still this irritating emptiness, still this wrenching incompleteness, and no relief in sight.
He let the pebble that he was holding drop back into the bubbling brook. The sun glinted off its smooth surface for a moment before it sank further down into the water. He leaned back against the tree he was sitting by and looked up at the sky. Another perfect day in the offing. Clear blue skies, a radiant but mellow sun, chirping birds, frolicking animals...blessed indeed was he to be able to perceive such beauty! Blessed was he for could open his eyes and see beyond the concrete constricting constructs of the teeming human populace, see beyond to these perfect little moments when the cosmic harmony blended inimitably with the deeper rhythm of the earth below him. A perfect, simply magnificent day this, yet this gnawing hunger.
He let out a deep sigh and got up from his comfortable perch. No epiphanies going to come his way here. He might as well have been back at his desk in the corner office for all the difference this was making. He started back for camp, musing on the futility of this personal quest of his. He had been searching for ages now it seemed. He'd experienced everything this world had to offer - physical, intellectual, spiritual, even mystical. What more could he do! How else could he still this wanderlust that wouldn't let him build a hearth and stay put! He had left families, friends, sons, daughters; anyone and everyone who had mattered or had the potential to matter was now a distant memory, as was he in their heads. He doubted they'd recognize him even if he ran into them on the street. He never regretted that though, still didn't. He'd played his roles to the hilt - husband, father, friend, brother - and ensured comfort and happiness for his loved ones. He'd been the ideal grihastha and now an even more ideal vanaprastha. But the ultimate, the sannyasa, still eluded him. The world still held him by the slenderest of tendrils.
What is stopping me, he fumed to himself as he stomped back to camp. Anger was a rare emotion for him and was thus all the more furious because of that. His head quivered with pent up rage and frustration. So many years, SO MANY YEARS since he adopted this life of a wayfarer. He was jaded, confused, shackled by society's mores. He needed to break free, take a step off the beaten track, take chances make mistakes live fecklessly and gloriously as he had never done before. And he'd done that; god he'd done that! He'd seen all that this wonderful glorious world of his had to offer! He should be calmer, quieter and much more still then he was now, but he wasn't. He was that same drone he'd been when he'd left so long ago, only much more restless. He hated this. He HATED this!
Somehow he found himself on his knees on the forest floor, digging his hands deep into the earth as if seeking solace from Mother Earth herself. Tears were flowing freely down his craggy face and onto the fertile soil below. In time he stopped weeping, though he continued to stay on all fours, too spent to even move. He slowly opened his eyes and looked dejectedly at the soil freshly turned by his own hands. Something sparkled at the edge of his vision and began to flow down towards the ground. Another tear, he thought and he watched with grim fascination as it made a slow leisurely track down his cheek, skirted the edges of his scraggly beard and teetered on the edge of his chin before falling gracefully towards the welcoming earth. He continued watching with rapt eyes as the drop impacted with the loam and got hungrily absorbed by the parched earth. No, not just the earth. Something else. He scraped the dirt carefully and caught a glint of green. A young sapling was peeking out at him and he watched fascinated as that tear, his tear, made its way inexorably towards its roots and got swallowed up. Maybe he imagined it, but he thought he saw the plant almost move in ecstasy.
He crawled back a bit so as not to damage the plant before getting back to his feet. His entire being was abuzz with something, he didn't know what. He tried to think, but his brain was dancing to a different tune altogether. All conscious thought was being drowned out by an overwhelming emotion that he couldn't comprehend. He looked at the leaves and they seemed so much greener. He smelled the earth and it seemed so much sweeter. His eyes, his ears, his every sense was being carried away by sheer wonder and delight. It was a breathtaking maddening rush that not even the most potent stimulant could replicate. All he could do was close his eyes and let the emotions and sensations wash over his exultant being. This was what he had hungered for all his life, this sweet untainted ecstasy! His spirit kept soaring higher and higher with the rush of energy coursing through his being. It was all building up towards a magnificent crescendo and he knew he'd never be the same again after that.
Like that sapling fighting its way through the dark into glorious sunlight, his consciousness emerged from the darkness on the crest of that glorious wave of joy and wonderment into blinding brilliance. As the cosmic harmony peaked in every nerve and sinew of his body he finally saw the universe spread out in front of him; colossal in scale, awe-inspiring in its majesty, and so very beautiful. He had reached journey's end. He was one with the parmatman. He had not hunted in vain! A beatific smile spread across his face as he saw the many wonders of this universe unfold in front of him. This was nirvana. This was true eternal bliss!
He didn't know how long he stayed like that. Time and space had lost all meaning. After what seemed like eons he finally opened his eyes and found himself lying down on the forest floor. He got up, rubbed his eyes and looked around. It didn't seem like much time had passed since he had gone into his trance. Was it a trance though, or just the fevered imaginings of a troubled mind? It might all have been some fantastical dream that he was ascribing too much meaning too. But no. It wasn't like that. He was not the same man anymore. He didn't have that gnawing ache in his vitals. He was calmer and more serene than he had ever been. He looked over at the brave little sapling peeking its fragile head out of the earth and a smile spread across his face. His tears had given it life and it had in turn given him meaning. Detachment wasn't the answer. He couldn't reach out to broader horizons if he didn't explore his own first. He couldn't transcend this mortal realm till he became one with it. Every drop of sweat, blood and tears that he had in his body must go towards bringing good to this world. Wandering these verdant valleys and steep mountain-tops was worthless if he didn't embrace everyone and everything along the way. This was every man and woman and child's duty and only when he had fulfilled this purpose can he truly move on to the deeper meaning of existence. He had but a glimpse today of the glory that awaited him beyond the veil. It was for him now to turn it into reality.
He cleared the earth around the sapling and built a crude embankment around it with stones. He poured some more water on it from a nearby brook and watched with delight as the droplets on its tiny leaves sparkled in the sunlight. He thought about sticking around for a few more days till it was more developed, but it was a plucky little thing and he'd no doubt it would take good care of itself. He bowed his head in a final gesture of gratitude and struck out again for camp. The lark was on the wing, the sun bright in the sky and there was a spring in his step and a gleam in his eye. Finally, he was at peace.
What is stopping me, he fumed to himself as he stomped back to camp. Anger was a rare emotion for him and was thus all the more furious because of that. His head quivered with pent up rage and frustration. So many years, SO MANY YEARS since he adopted this life of a wayfarer. He was jaded, confused, shackled by society's mores. He needed to break free, take a step off the beaten track, take chances make mistakes live fecklessly and gloriously as he had never done before. And he'd done that; god he'd done that! He'd seen all that this wonderful glorious world of his had to offer! He should be calmer, quieter and much more still then he was now, but he wasn't. He was that same drone he'd been when he'd left so long ago, only much more restless. He hated this. He HATED this!
Somehow he found himself on his knees on the forest floor, digging his hands deep into the earth as if seeking solace from Mother Earth herself. Tears were flowing freely down his craggy face and onto the fertile soil below. In time he stopped weeping, though he continued to stay on all fours, too spent to even move. He slowly opened his eyes and looked dejectedly at the soil freshly turned by his own hands. Something sparkled at the edge of his vision and began to flow down towards the ground. Another tear, he thought and he watched with grim fascination as it made a slow leisurely track down his cheek, skirted the edges of his scraggly beard and teetered on the edge of his chin before falling gracefully towards the welcoming earth. He continued watching with rapt eyes as the drop impacted with the loam and got hungrily absorbed by the parched earth. No, not just the earth. Something else. He scraped the dirt carefully and caught a glint of green. A young sapling was peeking out at him and he watched fascinated as that tear, his tear, made its way inexorably towards its roots and got swallowed up. Maybe he imagined it, but he thought he saw the plant almost move in ecstasy.
He crawled back a bit so as not to damage the plant before getting back to his feet. His entire being was abuzz with something, he didn't know what. He tried to think, but his brain was dancing to a different tune altogether. All conscious thought was being drowned out by an overwhelming emotion that he couldn't comprehend. He looked at the leaves and they seemed so much greener. He smelled the earth and it seemed so much sweeter. His eyes, his ears, his every sense was being carried away by sheer wonder and delight. It was a breathtaking maddening rush that not even the most potent stimulant could replicate. All he could do was close his eyes and let the emotions and sensations wash over his exultant being. This was what he had hungered for all his life, this sweet untainted ecstasy! His spirit kept soaring higher and higher with the rush of energy coursing through his being. It was all building up towards a magnificent crescendo and he knew he'd never be the same again after that.
Like that sapling fighting its way through the dark into glorious sunlight, his consciousness emerged from the darkness on the crest of that glorious wave of joy and wonderment into blinding brilliance. As the cosmic harmony peaked in every nerve and sinew of his body he finally saw the universe spread out in front of him; colossal in scale, awe-inspiring in its majesty, and so very beautiful. He had reached journey's end. He was one with the parmatman. He had not hunted in vain! A beatific smile spread across his face as he saw the many wonders of this universe unfold in front of him. This was nirvana. This was true eternal bliss!
He didn't know how long he stayed like that. Time and space had lost all meaning. After what seemed like eons he finally opened his eyes and found himself lying down on the forest floor. He got up, rubbed his eyes and looked around. It didn't seem like much time had passed since he had gone into his trance. Was it a trance though, or just the fevered imaginings of a troubled mind? It might all have been some fantastical dream that he was ascribing too much meaning too. But no. It wasn't like that. He was not the same man anymore. He didn't have that gnawing ache in his vitals. He was calmer and more serene than he had ever been. He looked over at the brave little sapling peeking its fragile head out of the earth and a smile spread across his face. His tears had given it life and it had in turn given him meaning. Detachment wasn't the answer. He couldn't reach out to broader horizons if he didn't explore his own first. He couldn't transcend this mortal realm till he became one with it. Every drop of sweat, blood and tears that he had in his body must go towards bringing good to this world. Wandering these verdant valleys and steep mountain-tops was worthless if he didn't embrace everyone and everything along the way. This was every man and woman and child's duty and only when he had fulfilled this purpose can he truly move on to the deeper meaning of existence. He had but a glimpse today of the glory that awaited him beyond the veil. It was for him now to turn it into reality.
He cleared the earth around the sapling and built a crude embankment around it with stones. He poured some more water on it from a nearby brook and watched with delight as the droplets on its tiny leaves sparkled in the sunlight. He thought about sticking around for a few more days till it was more developed, but it was a plucky little thing and he'd no doubt it would take good care of itself. He bowed his head in a final gesture of gratitude and struck out again for camp. The lark was on the wing, the sun bright in the sky and there was a spring in his step and a gleam in his eye. Finally, he was at peace.
2 comments:
You're obsessed with the way light falls on stuff. Why is that?
Dunno. Never really thought about it. I like the symbolism I guess.
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