Monday, February 10, 2014

Spittle and Moonshine

Take a gander. Take a long LONG gander. Can't remember the last time I did that at least. Can't remember the last time I sat like this with a clear(?) head and clearer(??) thoughts that flowed effortlessly like a warm summery brook off my buzzing brain into whatever form or substance my medium took. I type what I know not, I pontificate when I believe not, I crave which I need not. Meandering balderdash this, but I haven't done this in a while. Please bear with me if you can.

I live a tough life by all accounts, though I really don't believe that truth be told. There is a lot of stress yes. Expectations and tempers run high, both on and off work. I am not quite my usual equable self. But I survive you know. I make it work, somehow, anyhow. I sleep less, I run around like a headless chicken, get more brickbats and approbations than I used to, but somehow the darned leaky coracle sails on. Drowning rat that I am I keep frantically bailing the water out with a bucket just a little bit too tiny, but gosh dang it I do that with a silly maniacal laugh on my face and a frantic hand waving at the elements! And I use outdated words from the times of R.L. Stevenson like 'coracle' to make my point, so I am putting the 'hip' in hipster too. Or 'tummy', to judge by my 'slightly' tighter trousers.

This should be one of those passages that make no value addition whatsoever to your lives. 'Tis hard enough as it is making sense 15 hours a day in office, not to mention staring at the same 14" of TFT almost every waking moment of my weekday (and many of my weekends too). That being said, I also don't want this to be an off-putting rant on the rancidness that is the corporate world. I chose my bed, and dang nabbit I will lie in it now (notice hipsterity again, which is probably what a senior would nickname his / her 3rd hip replacement). This piece of literary garbage is nothing but a glimpse into what happens when you give me 30 minutes of peace and a laptop with enough charge and nothing to watch. So here we are, dear reader, while I contemplate assaulting your senses further with dirty limericks. But that'd be too much effort and creativity down the drain. Better save that for my next salvo at the workplace, when I bring "out of the box thought process" and "synergistic competencies" to own your ass! Not to mention "best-in-class work ethic" and "diligence beyond the call of duty"! (I hope I get a good recco for this boss!) So instead, I will discuss certain metaphysical musings of mine with you -

  1. The Big Bang: I want this issue resolved ASAP. I mean really. So much time and effort and money expended, and for the love of god I still can't figure out what Penny sees in Leonard!
  2. Narendra Modi: What gives man! I like the "tea" funda as an avid tea afficionado, but surely someone told you about those Tea Party schmucks across the Atlantic!
  3. Deepika Padukone: Where does the midriff end!
  4. Japanese Anime, Manga, & c.: What is it with the boobs! Is it aspiration or compensation? And do your kids really need so much silicone to digest cereal with?
  5. Swedish House Mafia: Why? Why? Why?
  6. Yash Birla: "What" are you?        
Notice the cleverly placed quotation marks for extra emphasis, so that even drunk retarded (apologies, I meant mentally disabled) rabbits can drool their way through these gems. I am nothing if not user friendly, though you probably have a headache by now and are dearly wishing that I wrap this up and run into a wall or something. Or maybe you crave your usual fix of alcohol / ganja / coke / sex / iguanas &c. Or maybe both. Not for me to think (especially the herpetophilia, you sick pervert). Do what you want with your free time. You can count your lucky stars I don't get much of it, else you would probably be locked up in a loony bin by now. For now you'd have to be content with banging your head against the screen and wishing that you had never opened the blasted link that I so helpfully posted on Facebook. But that's the thing innit! Put an interesting enough but obscure title, throw in some big words and voila! Another intellectual claptrap with potential hashstag opportunities (my full consent of course, I am a glory hog after all)! At the end of the day, as I stated somewhere in the beginning of this ego trip, the past five minutes added zero value to your already burdened lives. I, however, got to vent. I can sleep in peace now hopefully and not dream of 'index' and 'match' functions in neon-lit lattices with serpentine numbers. Maybe a good dream for once, of liquorice and unicorns and a hopelessly addled leprechaun. Gorblimey that'd be a hoot!

Apologies for the hipsterity. Won't happen again by Jove! 

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