Crazy Train

However bizarre Ozzy Osbourne might be, he does know his craft. A song for all seasons, a song for all reasons. This one fits me to the T right now.

Everything feels weird right now. The journey back here, re-settling, meeting friends, seeing the campus and even that familiar skip in my heartbeat. I just feel too dang awkward right now. Dunno what happened. I feel like a fish in a bowl. I can see the sunlight, but I can't feel it. And for once in my life the stupid jokes and self-deprecation are singularly failing. I'm not moping or anything, but I'm not exactly enjoying life at the moment.

My last few blogs haven't been on the cheery side either. This past fortnight has come and gone without me feeling one way or the other. The fun has gone somehow. Whether it was the shit going on at home or some reaction from the hectic first term, but I can honestly say that I wasn't overjoyed to be back home. The only saving grace was meeting my family, though they managed to mess up my head again. And now I'm back, but the same condition has persisted. It's like a disease sucking out all vitality from my psyche, leaving me a depressed idiot who can barely muster a smile now.

Hopefully these blues are temporary. Certainly don't feel like it. Something is building up inside me - frustration, anger, who knows? I don't want it to explode. Too much poison swilling around for me to handle. That's why I'm writing this sob story, to let off some of the excess baggage. It doesn't seem to be working right now. Daybreak is eons away, and the sun seems to be a myth. Heh. And people think I keep my emotions bottled up. To paraphrase Ozzy, "I'm going off the rails on a crazy train". Let's hope I find my way back.

Cat's In The Cradle

For a change the song is not concordant with my thoughts. It's in fact quite anti-thetic to it. Harry Chapin's iconic lyrics depict a distant father-son relationship, which is far from what I have with my own parents. Truth be told, a little distance would be appreciated every now and then.

Scratch my last post. Nothing has changed. I spent three months in a bubble while the world went on same as before, waiting for me to come out before messing up my head all over again. Specifically my parents. People think I'm a kid? They should see them go at it. Raising hell over the most trivial of things, and me stuck in the middle as the hapless referee. It's deja vu times a hundred, yet another crushing rotation of the millstone. I thought I'd left this behind. I'd thought things will change, people will change. Isn't life supposed to be bloody dynamic?

People tell me that I wear a mask, that I don't reveal my true emotions. It's nurture, not nature. This is my defense mechanism - laugh everything off, even if that's the last thing I want to do. Those close to me know the turmoil that I keep bottled up inside. Just because I don't give you a glimpse into my thoughts doesn't mean I don't respect you or care for you. I just don't want to burden others with my own shit. And maybe that's why I go absolutely ape-shit after imbibing too much liquor. So much loopiness has to be let off once in a while, beacause one way or the other it will.

I was forced to grow up pretty early. There is not much logic going around in the household and I had to pull my weight. This, coupled with a whole lot of external factors has made for an exciting upbringing. Cataclysmic upheavals every couple of years do make for an interesting mix, not to mention toughening for the nerves and sinews. I turned out pretty okay in the end, so I have no regrets.

Of course my parents love me, and I return that love with every fibre of my being. I'll do my utmost to make their lives easier. But the overload of responsibilities is starting to take its toll. I'm not asking for much. I am happy paying as many bills as they want. Just don't mess up my head so much by making me play mediator. That very well might be the straw that will break the camel's back.

Silent Lucidity

The lark is on the wing, the rain gods are feeling benevolent and I have absolutely nothing to do. A welcome change from the mayhem that I left behind. I'm sleeping in air-conditioned comfort, eating home-cooked food and spending quality time with my family. The weekend will see me roaming around with friends in my favourite hangout spots, places that figured so hugely in my life till recently. Life seems back to normal. Of course, that's not the case.

I'm not the same person anymore. I am not the carefree kid who left home three months back with stars in his eyes and a song in his heart. I've been through fire and smell of smoke. Flights of fancy have been eschewed for a more realistic appraisal of what is possible. That is not to say that I've given up on my ambitions. Far from it. The fire, if possible, burns even more fiercely. But the arrogance, the illogical belief that I just have to wave a magic wand and everything will fall in place has vanished. I'm an adult now, and grown-up games have different rules.

You have to get your hands dirty. Nothing will come easily anymore. You have to buckle down and slog it out, put in the hours and effort, combine perspicacity with perspiration. The silver platter is gone. It's a trough now, and there is not enough slop to go around. It took me time enough to realize this simple dictum of life, but then again the fruit that ripens late might yet be the sweetest.

I like walking in the rain. It literally washes away my worries and takes me back to more innocent times, times when the world had no ulterior motives and cynicism was a mythic emotion. But one can't live in the past. Nostalgia can only be a respite, not a lifestyle. Sooner or later we have to come back to ground, and it is better if we hit it running. The green wood is getting seasoned in preparation for the long voyage ahead. Until then, I will lose myself in this elixir from the heavens.

(The song is by Queensryche by the way. Its intro was shamelessly copied by Pritam in some song from 'Metro'. Utter disrespect for a wonderful song. I request those misguided enough to peruse this blog to please pass this on.)