Cult Of Personality

A In Living Color song that is much more catchy than what is about to follow, but it basically shares the same sentiment, viz. an ode to the individual. I haven't written something philosophical in quite a while, so it's quite encouraging to see that even if not superficially, then at least subconsciously I'm still pondering on such issues.

It's funny how things play out. You might be the most meticulous of planners and might have prepared for any and every eventuality, but all the graph needs is one little kink for everything to go haywire. Chaos theory at its best. The butterfly doesn't even need to flap its wings anymore. The mere hint of its presence is enough. Linearity went obsolete a long time ago and it's about time we realized it.

Pardon the jargon but it is apt in this context. We are not a mechanistic society anymore. Formalized structures and strictures don't work. There's just too much dynamism going around for that to happen. New fads blink in and out of existence. Societal norms are regularly twisted and flouted as per requirement. Alternate sexualities, radical ideologies, new faiths, more innovations - it's a never-ending milieu that keeps churning to some intrinsic cosmic rhythm. You can't survive anymore by staying put in one place and following orders, neither can people and institutions be slotted into convenient little boxes and put aside. It's not that simple anymore.

Randomness is inbuilt in life. A minuscule change inside a minute nucleus can give rise to completely new species. Newtonian dynamics fail miserably here, thus the increasing focus on non-linear mathematics and Chaos Theory. The underlying assumption itself recognizes this inherent instability and focuses more on finding patterns rather than definitive laws and explanations. I don't see why we can't adopt the same approach in our own lives. Mechanistic must way for Organic, mutual adjustment should supplant hierarchies. More often than not it's lack of interaction and the consequent dearth and distortion of information that causes interpersonal strife. Clustering into cults and cabals only serves to fuel this alienation. It's not as if I've come up with some fascinating new insight here. All of us are aware of this at one level or the other. Yet we choose to ignore this in favor of an anachronistic system. The reasons for this, thus, assume even more importance.

Man is a social animal. An oft-quoted adage used to explain away myriad human vagaries ranging from block parties to orgies. There is no denying the truth encapsulated in this phrase, but one can certainly look at augmenting the same. What is the basic primal need that makes a human being crave contact? Why do even the most hardened criminals break down under solitary confinement? This need, I feel, is acknowledgment. It serves to verify our existence, that there is a purpose for our being on this orb. Every moment we spend on this temporal plane is spent hankering after recognition, be it from the basest of life forms. For us to feel truly alive, we need constant reassurance that we have a tangible sensory imprint on some other living being. Even extreme hatred is acceptable compared to total indifference. It is this desperation that drives people to band together on the flimsiest of spiritual and moral foundations. It's the fear of losing this acknowledgment that impels people to conform, to stop thinking and mindlessly follow the herd. We can go to any lengths as long as we have the comfort of being part of the collective, and history is replete with such examples.

Is a paradigm shift in the offing? I don't know. When the motivating factor is something so basic, so much part of the very reason for being, then we need to pare off the succeeding layers of secondary motivations before we can attack it. For us to leave the comfort of the flock and set out alone into the cold wintry night, there has to be a philosophical shift from the 'collective' to the 'individual'. We can't detach ourselves from the superstructure unless we become secure about our own identity. Acknowledgment can be earned through one's own efforts, acceptance can come independent of a group. It's not a radical concept, but certainly difficult to digest for most of us. Maybe we don't like risk, or we might just be plain darn lazy. The bottom line is that there is a problem and a solution. The spaces in between must now be filled.

It's My Life

Not having a good internship process. Not to go into specifics, but let's just say that the carpet was whisked out from under my feet just when I was patting myself on the back for a job well done. I don't know who to blame for this bizarre turn of events - my incapability to nail the opportunity, the company for screwing me over like this or the myriad jokers running the operation who probably loused up my chances in other companies. Bottom line - I'm pretty much in the soup.

People console me, tell me this happens every year. There's are always a few jokers in the pack who think they are trumps, only to return to the bottom of the pile. I'm not the only one who feels like the sky fell on his or her head. I'm better off than at least one or two of them in that some companies have shortlisted me. Still, it's hard to sit idle on your butt while your friends are scurrying about trying to chart their future. Ah well.

Why should I feel down? I know my worth, and it's damn much more than most of the dunces here. If the companies are dumb enough to go by stupid brands and asinine marks that pass for our sorry education system, then let them play their childish games. Let them have their fun with GDs and behavioral tests and all that crap. It's baby's day out, let him have his rattle so that he can make noise, get attention and have a jolly good time. I want no part of it.

I'm not defined by what these dodos with water on their brains think. I'm my own man (yes, I said man). I've always been my own man. I'm not going to let narrow-minded numskulls mess with my head and damage my ego. It's too bloody big to be damaged by these pebbles. I might seem down and out. I might even be the last one selected. So what? I'll do a damn good job wherever I go, and those who are lucky enough to select me will soon be thanking their lucky stars.

I've let this sham affect me too much. I'm bigger than anyone, a colossus striding this orb as it makes its squirrely way across the ether. One way or another, I'm going to take the world by storm. Erect as many roadblocks as you can. Mock me, Humiliate me, try your level best to bring me down. You don't have a prayer. No sirree. Like this Bon Jovi song says, 'It's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever". And I'd be damned if I let anyone spoil that for me.

Bittersweet Symphony

The Verve classic. Rarely have truer words been said than those in this song. I think I have given enough indication of what's about to follow, so here goes.

I think the stress is getting to me. I'm sitting out here alone on the terrace in quite chilly conditions, clad in nothing but a jacket and a blue mood. Why? I wish I knew. I can never predict these phases. Best I can do is ride them out and hopefully still be comparatively sane. So I sit here on the rough floor, straining to see the keys in the dim light of the monitor as the world moves on at its own merry pace.

I'd love to understand myself someday. I have this mental picture about how I should behave in every possible situation so that I'm a credit both to myself and the society at large, to fit unobtrusively in the fold for a change and not stick out like a sore thumb. But I guess the wiring is faulty somewhere. The message never gets communicated properly. End result, I'm pouring my heart out at three in the morning while normal people sit cuddled up in blankets inside their comfy rooms and wonder what this idiot is up to now.

It's a wonder people can tolerate me. It's a miracle that I have friends. What can I offer? Zilch, nada, a big round zero. I'm the most insignificant of microcosms in this infinite universe of ours. I'm the scraping at the bottom of the rubbish bin, the puny runt that always get eaten first by the wolf. So what if I have a way with words? What would that achieve? Black blotches on paper are not going to get me anywhere. I'm bound to become part of the flotsam and jetsam that wash up every now and then on the barren sands where life ends and oblivion begins.

I'm in my room now. The cold won out. Warmth is slowly returning to my system, but my psyche is still imprisoned in an overpowering miasma. This cocoon won't give birth to beauty, it will reveal the despair that dwells behind the hope, the tears that hide behind the asinine smile. I'm not sure who is the real me. Maybe these two facets are inextricably mixed, with each one periodically popping up to the surface under the influence of some arcane rhythm that I'm yet to fathom. Most I can do right now is to let these thoughts out so that the bile doesn't do undue damage.

Too Late For Love

Not about me. I just composed the following poem, and this Def Leppard song fit it to the T. This is purely a literary work. Posts about my life will have to wait a little.
The gloom lifts with the rising dawn,
Nature stirs, heralds the new morn,
Dew drops glisten in the verdant verdure,
And in the glen wanders a maiden demure.

Birds twitter among the pines as she makes her solitary way,
Head hunched low, eyes fearing the onset of day,
An opportune breeze ripples through her gossamer hair,
But she heeds it not, too weighed down with care.

The skies above turn a familiar shade of azure,
As the first ray breaks through, bright fair and pure,
Yet she trudges on, lost to this wonder,
For her heart is broken, ripped asunder.

She dreads the beauty of the early light,
That rends the dark, brings back cursed sight,
For the world of colour holds no joy for her,
Brings back nightmares that never seem to blur.

The fiery chariot now unveils its full glory,
A new chapter in the eternal story,
But this page is untouched, her slight frame shivers,
His grave swims into view, a single tear quivers.

Run To You

Can't help it anymore. I've studiously tried to avoid any direct mention of affairs of the heart, but it is getting too much now. I need to put these thoughts down so that the palpitations can slow down for a bit. Not for too long though, for it's a sweet sweet ache.

I keep thinking about her. Every waking instant, every dreaming eternity. She's always there, never intruding too much but tantalizingly close to the margins of my conscious. My heart skips a beat every time I see her, my mouth starts to babble every time I talk to her. Her smile is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and I crack every possible stupid joke to catch one more glimpse of it on her radiant face. I can never feel sad when I'm around her. She lights me up inside, makes me believe in the goodness in this world. I'm crazy about her, and getting crazier by the second.

She is definitely one of the prettiest girls I've ever met. She's also smart and talented and fun to hang out with. But even beyond that, there is this...this link, this crackling buzzing link with some weird energy flowing through it, drawing us together. We exchange smiles, share inside jokes, steal glances at each other. I've never opened up to someone to the extent that I've with her. I've never felt so comfortable, so...right with a girl, ever. I'm a bit of a romantic, but I never ever expected to feel like this.

Is it one-sided? I'm never sure. Depends on my mood. Do I tell her how I feel? Of course. But how? No clue. I can force fate's hand, but I don't want to mess things up, and she is too important to me to take the risk. But if I keep sitting on my behind then something might change, the spark might go out and I would lose my chance. What do I do? If only I knew what she thought about me. How would that help? Even if she hated me with the bottom of her heart I'd still not give up.

What to do? I hope I get the answer soon. Till then, like this Bryan Adams song says, I'll keep worshiping her no matter what.

Long Run Leftovers

This is a cut of leftover tracks from the Eagles album 'The Long Run'. Pretty much sums up the following masterpieces. Haikus are convenient little bits of writing - three lines and a set structure that doesn't let you mind digress too much. It's almost habitual for me to pen one or two whenever I'm getting bored in class. Don't know whether that's a good thing or not. I guess if someone takes it upon himself or herself to peruse this post then he/she would be a better judge. Creator's bias you see. So here goes -

I will lie to you,
Blind you bind you entrap you,
For the world is cruel.

Sail into the night,
The journey ends now my friend,
Cometh eternal light.

Darkness advances,
Gates tremble under its blows,
The nation needs us.

Figures meet in the gloom,
Amidst the glistening stones,
The living mourn the dead.

Love is a zephyr,
That titillates your senses,
Yet is ever elusive.

The never-ending path,
That we walk like dutiful sheep,
Leads to the wolf's maw.

Sail to the horizon,
Who knows what awaits us there,
Glory is hard-earned.

Flight of the seagull,
Languid over the topaz sea,
Leave the world behind.

The prof says a lot,
I sit here all for nothing,
Did I ever have brains?

Crib, cry, whine, blubber,
Stupid little weepie Joe,
Get yourself a 'ho'.

The blade is sharpened,
Hovers over the victim's head,
He leaves a bald man.

Insects are a pain,
Buzz, sting and make me insane,
Like dames they are vain.

Two hearts torn asunder,
The raging sea in between,
But the eyes can meet.

What is left unsaid,
Is often not left unfelt,
Then why the lost time?

POM not my cuppa tea,
Why did I pay the damn fee?
I am all at sea.

Deep profound thoughts come,
Chomp and stomp and make me dumb,
Is it something new?

Fly with broken wings,
Let the waves buffet your body,
'Cause the will is there.

Leave your cares behind,
Make the most of what you got,
Then maybe you'll smile.

Distant she shimmers,
In the grasp of another,
Yet she will be mine.

The tide is long gone,
Broken dreams lie in the wake,
The moon will rise again.

Sleep sleep glorious sleep,
Wherefore art thou fair maiden?
I yearn for your touch.

Clattering cuckoos,
Lifting off loads of hot air,
Am I one of them?

Sleep's the panacea,
Takes away the fears and pains,
The heart won't let me.

Like I said, there might be some quality issues. Readers are welcome to recognize these and also hunt for a running theme, if any. Expect more to come in the future.

Somebody Save Me

I'm too damn moody. One moment I'd be fizzing with positive energy, thinking that everything is all right as can be in this world and then suddenly it vanishes, to be replaced by lethargy and utter gloom. I might be the most social of people at one instant and a misanthrope the next. I've given up trying to analyze this happenstance. It's probably a function of the turmoil my mind is in these days. You can't expect your brain to be pulled in different directions without some aftereffects.

Currently there a lot of pressures on my puny shoulders. Internship process, academics, not to mention the situation back home. Then there are the affairs of the heart, exhilarating sometimes and downright confusing otherwise. I am anyway not a particularly confident or self-assured person in this department. Coupled with the social skills and idiocy of a rampaging rhinoceros, I guess it's going to be pretty tough going. Just once, just once I wish I was handed something on a silver platter. But then again, I'd probably not value it as much.

The song is by Remy Zero. A line goes 'Let your warm hands break right through me'. I have everything in life but that. I've never felt that warmth, never opened my heart and soul to anyone. Time and time again, I've come across someone and desperately wished for an end to this emptiness, for that spark that'd light me up. But they were all false promises, mere shadows of what I yearned for. Yet I still kept on hoping. I'm a foolish romantic at heart and it just seemed right that somewhere out there would be that special someone that'd complete me. And then she came.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this. Maybe it's yet another desperate bid by my psyche to end the loneliness by any means necessary. Then again, maybe it's not...