Crazy Train

However bizarre Ozzy Osbourne might be, he does know his craft. A song for all seasons, a song for all reasons. This one fits me to the T right now.

Everything feels weird right now. The journey back here, re-settling, meeting friends, seeing the campus and even that familiar skip in my heartbeat. I just feel too dang awkward right now. Dunno what happened. I feel like a fish in a bowl. I can see the sunlight, but I can't feel it. And for once in my life the stupid jokes and self-deprecation are singularly failing. I'm not moping or anything, but I'm not exactly enjoying life at the moment.

My last few blogs haven't been on the cheery side either. This past fortnight has come and gone without me feeling one way or the other. The fun has gone somehow. Whether it was the shit going on at home or some reaction from the hectic first term, but I can honestly say that I wasn't overjoyed to be back home. The only saving grace was meeting my family, though they managed to mess up my head again. And now I'm back, but the same condition has persisted. It's like a disease sucking out all vitality from my psyche, leaving me a depressed idiot who can barely muster a smile now.

Hopefully these blues are temporary. Certainly don't feel like it. Something is building up inside me - frustration, anger, who knows? I don't want it to explode. Too much poison swilling around for me to handle. That's why I'm writing this sob story, to let off some of the excess baggage. It doesn't seem to be working right now. Daybreak is eons away, and the sun seems to be a myth. Heh. And people think I keep my emotions bottled up. To paraphrase Ozzy, "I'm going off the rails on a crazy train". Let's hope I find my way back.

Cat's In The Cradle

For a change the song is not concordant with my thoughts. It's in fact quite anti-thetic to it. Harry Chapin's iconic lyrics depict a distant father-son relationship, which is far from what I have with my own parents. Truth be told, a little distance would be appreciated every now and then.

Scratch my last post. Nothing has changed. I spent three months in a bubble while the world went on same as before, waiting for me to come out before messing up my head all over again. Specifically my parents. People think I'm a kid? They should see them go at it. Raising hell over the most trivial of things, and me stuck in the middle as the hapless referee. It's deja vu times a hundred, yet another crushing rotation of the millstone. I thought I'd left this behind. I'd thought things will change, people will change. Isn't life supposed to be bloody dynamic?

People tell me that I wear a mask, that I don't reveal my true emotions. It's nurture, not nature. This is my defense mechanism - laugh everything off, even if that's the last thing I want to do. Those close to me know the turmoil that I keep bottled up inside. Just because I don't give you a glimpse into my thoughts doesn't mean I don't respect you or care for you. I just don't want to burden others with my own shit. And maybe that's why I go absolutely ape-shit after imbibing too much liquor. So much loopiness has to be let off once in a while, beacause one way or the other it will.

I was forced to grow up pretty early. There is not much logic going around in the household and I had to pull my weight. This, coupled with a whole lot of external factors has made for an exciting upbringing. Cataclysmic upheavals every couple of years do make for an interesting mix, not to mention toughening for the nerves and sinews. I turned out pretty okay in the end, so I have no regrets.

Of course my parents love me, and I return that love with every fibre of my being. I'll do my utmost to make their lives easier. But the overload of responsibilities is starting to take its toll. I'm not asking for much. I am happy paying as many bills as they want. Just don't mess up my head so much by making me play mediator. That very well might be the straw that will break the camel's back.

Silent Lucidity

The lark is on the wing, the rain gods are feeling benevolent and I have absolutely nothing to do. A welcome change from the mayhem that I left behind. I'm sleeping in air-conditioned comfort, eating home-cooked food and spending quality time with my family. The weekend will see me roaming around with friends in my favourite hangout spots, places that figured so hugely in my life till recently. Life seems back to normal. Of course, that's not the case.

I'm not the same person anymore. I am not the carefree kid who left home three months back with stars in his eyes and a song in his heart. I've been through fire and smell of smoke. Flights of fancy have been eschewed for a more realistic appraisal of what is possible. That is not to say that I've given up on my ambitions. Far from it. The fire, if possible, burns even more fiercely. But the arrogance, the illogical belief that I just have to wave a magic wand and everything will fall in place has vanished. I'm an adult now, and grown-up games have different rules.

You have to get your hands dirty. Nothing will come easily anymore. You have to buckle down and slog it out, put in the hours and effort, combine perspicacity with perspiration. The silver platter is gone. It's a trough now, and there is not enough slop to go around. It took me time enough to realize this simple dictum of life, but then again the fruit that ripens late might yet be the sweetest.

I like walking in the rain. It literally washes away my worries and takes me back to more innocent times, times when the world had no ulterior motives and cynicism was a mythic emotion. But one can't live in the past. Nostalgia can only be a respite, not a lifestyle. Sooner or later we have to come back to ground, and it is better if we hit it running. The green wood is getting seasoned in preparation for the long voyage ahead. Until then, I will lose myself in this elixir from the heavens.

(The song is by Queensryche by the way. Its intro was shamelessly copied by Pritam in some song from 'Metro'. Utter disrespect for a wonderful song. I request those misguided enough to peruse this blog to please pass this on.)

The Riddle

I'm not much into electronica, but I really like this song by Gigi D'Agostino. Obviously not much by way of lyrics but it does have a maddeningly catchy refrain which sort of fits into this next piece of balderdash. So here goes...

Just when you've think that you've got life all figured out, fate does a polka and sends you awhirl again. You spin and spin and spin and when you finally come to rest it's all you can do to not totter into some corner and call it a night, which is what most of us end up doing anyway. The remaining few wait patiently for the world to come to an even keel before they venture out again in search of logic and sanity. Call it naivete, foolish optimism or just plain old mulishness, but that is the way to go. You don't let the cosmos fool around with you and take it lying down. No. You stay put and stare it down, ala John Wayne. It's highly likely that this will achieve absolutely zilch and leave you even more battered and bruised in the end. Men will jeer, women will titter and dogs and sundry animals will relieve themselves on your person. So what? It's either this or going around with you tail between your legs.

It's not a choice between a rock and a hard place. It's not even a choice. After God knows how many years of human evolution how can we even consider rolling it all back and revert to being mindless slugs! I came into this world to make a difference, to mark my presence on this ball of rock in towering letters of fire. I'm the butterfly burst forth from the chrysalis, the rose blossomed from the bud. I'm a thing of beauty, evanescent in existence but brilliant in radiance. I refuse to countenance the extinction of my dreams. I set my feet on this path a long time ago and I'll be damned if I let anyone shake me from it. This is what I live for. Without it I'm nothing.

The Sun Always Shines On T.V.

Decent song by a-ha. The title might not sound like something that might move you to tears, and frankly speaking it doesn't. It's for those moments when you just want to hear some music, any music, and don't really care about the peripheral words. The content, however, is in keeping with my thoughts at present, so I'll get in with it.

This is possibly one of the most random outpourings of gibberish that I have ever spewed out. In my defense this occurred after a perfectly horrible quiz and this was my way of venting. On the brighter side I came up with yet another universal theory of life. This one is called the B.O.T.S. Theory, i.e the "Bottom Of The Shitpile" Theory. The basic tenet of this marvelous piece of inductive reasoning is that if you are deep in it, you might as well stop cribbing and enjoy the torture, because things can get only so much worse and soon everything would be on the up and up. The following lines will further elucidate my masterpiece -

It's hot and humid
Smelly as a druid,
Sluggish slushy slime
Anything for a rhyme.
Life at its lowest ebb
Fly caught in the spider's web,
So what's the issue
Why the need for a tissue?
It can't get any worse
Voodoo, jinx or a mummy's curse,
The coaster loops up from here
So wipe away that stray tear.

'Cause there might be no light of day
But that stray gleam is not far away.

Psychobabble

Awesome song by Alan Parson's Project, and the only way I can see of describing the following ditty. So here goes -

Johnny Wacko went to town,
Everyone knew he's a great big clown.
Give him a bell, give him a whistle,
A load of dung and hand him a chisel.
For they all say he's a talented kid,
Only this can of worms has no lid.
He'll sing he'll dance he'll jump with joy,
Top him of with juice, he's a wind-up toy.
Watch him rant, watch him rave, watch him make a mess,
If only you'd got him a baby pink dress.
A word of warning, be ready for a scene,
He slangs, he curses, he can be quite mean.
Why does he do it, no one is in the know,
Just sit back, relax and enjoy the show!

King Of Fools

I don't think many people are going to disagree with this. My parents have made it pretty clear that I have the mental acuity of a retarded rabbit. And the way I have been acting these past few days is a testament to this. By the way, the song is by Poets of the Fall.

You know that little voice in the back of your head? The one that pipes up every now and then and gets you back on the straight and narrow? I think mine asphyxiated under the gunk that crowds my cranium. Time and time again I start the day with the firm resolve of not making an ass out of myself. And time and time again I end up taking idiocy to a whole new level. I'm the joker in the pack, and at some weird screwy level I'm friggin' enjoying it.

I always thought that I was a level-headed chap. Eccentric yes, but able to draw the line when required. Turns out I am not. I'm the biggest doodoohead this side of loony town. I act like an overactive chimp in a banana orchard, and God forbid I get liquor in my system! The only good thing that can be said about that happenstance is I always come up with new shit. Entertaining for all and sundry, but extremely embarrassing for yours truly.

Why do I get myself in these situations? It's not as if I want the attention. Far from it. I'm happy doing my own thing and don't need public affirmation of the same. And I'm certainly not that dumb. Quite a bit yes, but not this much. Then why? It's like I have a split personality, a Hyde dwelling inside my carcass who crops up at the most inopportune moments and defies any and every notion of sanity that civilization holds. It was fun for a while, but it's high time that I buckle down and get a grip. Things can't go on like this.

I'm not a kid anymore. No one is going to get my ass out of the sling. I have to realize that. Friends can help me only that much, beyond which I have to take the fall. It's a big bad world after all.

Love Is On The Way

(Well, there are many things different about this post. Firstly, I gave the title after I wrote the damn thing. Secondly, this is not at all cynical; it's hopeful even. This is probably the closest I've come to expressing my true emotions in this blog, which is certainly a good thing. After all, I've to start being honest with myself about what I truly feel and not divert my thoughts into grandiose satirical soliloquies. Life is more than a well-turned phrase, you know. So anyway, here it goes...)

The lark is on the wing, the sun is out and shining (or rather, was out and shining) and all is as right as it could be. My exams are over; the results are out and I've passed rather handsomely. I'd have preferred a wee bit more than what I got, but hey, who cares? This is only the house exam, which accounts for a measly 10% of the finals. So those missed marks aren't going to hurt that much.

Life is a bit easier nowadays. Well, I shouldn't say easier. My dad is mad at me for the umteenth time this year and has barely spoken a word to me for the past two days. This phase has seen a sharp recession in my daily chores... hey, maybe that's why I'm feeling so darn happy! Apart from that, I've finally gotten back to playing on my PS2, and monster-bashing and car-crashing certainly gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling inside. If only I could share this with someone...

Typical, nah? Happy happy, joy joy, and then wham! Throw in the sadness. Yup, I'm still alone, still waiting for that special someone to come along and just make me go crazy. Not that I haven't found girls I liked, it's just that I didn't feel that spark... you know, that fizzing burning sensation that makes your ears go red and your heart palpitate like a jackrabbit on steroids. People have told me that I'm too demanding, that I should be satisfied with what I get... I say sucks to them!! Somewhere out there, someone special has my name on a placard in her hands, and damn if I'm going to miss the real thing for some sidey fling.

By the way, I did find someone, but she was otherwise engaged... sigh! You just can't win, can you? Life has this habbit of dangling a Mars bar in front of you and then suddenly, cruelly even, snatching it away right from your hands. The only thing that one can do is power up the PS2 and crack open some alien skulls. Who says video games are harmful?

P.S. Almost forgot to mention. The song is by Saigon Kick. I haven't heard any other song of theirs, but I love this one.

Rebel Yell

My favourite Billy Idol song. The title is self-explanatory, so I won't go into details. It's been one of those days. My nose is running like a leaky faucet. I'm trying to hack my way through mechanics this time (why do I even try?). Not to mention that my dad is, once again, monopolizing the telly to watch the news. NEWS? What a waste of time! Controversy after controversy, scam after bloody scam. Anchors jumping from one breaking news to the next, serious expressions and mascara firmly in place. Scamsters, schemers, swindlers and plain old sociopaths getting their fifteen minutes of fame is not my idea of time well spent. Since I've gotten on this harangue anyway, let's look at the world around us.

The general population is showing an alarming lack of grey matter. People have forgotten how to think. All we can see nowadays is grandstanding and jaded rhetoric, but even that is enough to whip mobs into homicidal frenzies. We are taking everything at face value and not even thinking of the consequences of our actions. Why? Well, here's what I think.

Like it or not, the 21st century homo sapien is one confused S.O.B. There is just too much information to handle. Too many beliefs, credos, tenets, faiths, creeds and religions to make sense of. Couple that with surviving in this cut-throat world, and we find ourselves well and truly bewildered. As it is, the advent of the 'global village' has reduced most of the human population to brainless gits. True, they can make the distinction between a Paris Hilton and a Britney Spears. Also, many of them have enough sense to laugh at everything that George W. Bush says (by the way, what does the 'W' stand for anyway?). But this is the limit of their intellectual capacity. Club this lot with those dullards who can be seen working 9-5 jobs and meandering their way through life, and we have a sorry state of affairs indeed. They are like lambs, ripe and plump and juicy, ready meat for the wolves.

The wolves are another different ballgame all together. To give an example, take Raj Thackery. He wants the Maratha votebank, so what does he do? He overhypes the issue of North Indian presence in Mumbai and other parts of Maharashtra. End result? MNS activists having a field day - trashing taxis, looting shops, roughing up innocent citizens just for the heck of it. The politician waves the wand, and the brainless zombies do his bidding. And the worst part is, it was probably a shrewd political move. Other than these idiots who get to satisfy their caveman instincts, there is an even bigger bunch of morons who will see Raj Thackery as the saviour of the Marathas and vote for his party. Most of them wouldn't have even thought about the supposed 'North Indian' invasion before he roiled them up. It's like they say, an idle mind is the devil's workshop. The inability of the common man to think for himself and not be swayed by rhetoric has made his job all the more easier.

Now let's come to those poor souls who still have something sloshing about in their craniums. More often than not, you will find them simply smothered under the collective weight of mass inertia, till they themselves become dull and devoid of the creative spark. Some might succeed in raising their voices and making themselves heard, but they will only find themselves buried under an avalanche of lawsuits and public litigations. Every self-righteous group of busybodies with iron rods shoved up their arses will then take out rallies and generally make their lives pretty difficult. More enterprising individuals will assault either them or their family members and destroy their property. These hooligans might be the biggest consumers of the M.A.F.I.A (Malayalam Adult Film Industry Association), but the people will still laud them as heroes. The police will be benevolent, the judges will be lenient. Veritable legends like M.F. Hussain and Amitabh Bacchhan have learnt it the hard way. You are with the majority, or against it. And being in opposition is very lonely indeed.

People might get the impression that I'm ranting and raving only about India. Let me correct that impression. Myanmar, Pakistan, France (the turban issue), even the USA, with its 'ideological' Iraq incursion. Authorities move ruthlessly to curb individual thought. They lure the general public on high-sounding moralistic grounds into supporting questionable endeavours. The people are left confused and more than a little terrified. Surely this is not the formula for leading a contented life.

What' the solution then? I don't know. This was meant to be an indictment of news channels. Instead, it metamorphosed into a broad denounciation of the entire human population (including me; I like Lohan better). What I can advise is to make a start. Start thinking. Don't believe any and everything under the sun. Examine the situation for yourself, and only then you should come to a conclusion. And in this internet age, when information is just a click away, that shouldn't be too hard.

P.S. Nudists will probably view this post as an endorsement. Please, sirs and ladies, don't look at it in that light. Granted, you are highly... ahem! ... 'individualistic' people, but surely you have to draw the line somewhere. Jeez! Even Adam and Eve covered up their stuff! If you are so eager to show your jewels to the world, contact the M.A.F.I.A. They are always scouting for fresh talent. The exercise will do you good!

Another brick in the wall

The best thing Pink Floyd ever did. This song is a veritable anthem for the oppressed student, i.e. me. If college wasn't hard enough, I'd to poison my life by taking up mathematics. What did I do? How could I've been so mad? I've two assignments to give on Monday, exams next month and I know zilch! I tried studying, but it was like listening to George W. Bush. Nothing makes sense! Oh man, I'm so dead!

When did this happen? It seems like only yesterday when I was adding one and one. Now, it's a bloody race against time to make sense of incomprehensible Greek symbols, while my brother cackles maniacally in the background for no rime or reason. My brain taketh, but it not giveth. In one moment, out the next. And who can blame it, poor thing! It's been out of practice for God knows how long.

Education is supposed to inspire and enlighten me, nah? Fat chance! Rote learning in school, nothing better in college. The course is boring, the teachers are even more boring. Five minutes into a class and I'm already half asleep. I just can't deal with rote learning. I like to actually make some use of my gray matter. But, like I said, you'd be hard pressed to do that in Delhi University. The most you can do is plot evil schemes against your teachers and fantasize about their fruition.

I don't want to be a part of the rat race. But the system won't let me be. I can't deviate from the herd, I have to conform. I have to get a job, I have to earn lots of money, I have to become a model citizen. Now, I have nothing against money, but being constantly reminded about its importance is certainly a pain in the behind. And why do I have to get a job? I'd much rather sit at home and watch sitcoms. I'd also like to scream at the top of my voice from time to time, but that sort of behaviour is generally frowned upon.

I'm not for being a rebel just for the heck of it. What I want is that the world gives me some slack, instead of dragging me on a leash. I want people, especially my parents, to get off my back and stop worrying about my future. Let me do my own thing. I am an adult now, so treat me like one. And please, please, somebody please kill off all my teachers!

You know what goes well with Pink Floyd? Vodka. Oh, my kingdom for a shot...

Livin' on a Prayer

One of my favorite Bon Jovi songs. The struggle for existance that it epitomises makes it ideal for what I'm feeling like right now. I have an ear-splitting headache. My stomach is growling like the Hounds of Hell. I am having an awful hair day and am this close to taking a pair of garden shears and hacking them all off. There are also other aches and bruises in various parts of my anatomy, but much of the same thing gets dull.

On the social front, I feel totally confused. I don't know how to behave, when to behave and whom to behave. I spent the whole day moping about with my head hung down, hoping that nobody noticed my six-foot frame(small wish!). My customary witty and totally funny one-liners were falling with dull thuds in sepulchral silences. It was all I could do to break down and cry at the futility of living.

I know that I'm a moaning and groaning poo-poo head who doesn't have a back bone to stand up to the rigors of this world. I might also come across as a loser. I probably am. I don't know for sure. I mean, who's the loser here? At least I'm able to write about my deficiencies and mock at them. Not a lot of people are able to do that. Then again, not a lot of people have as many deficiencies. Still, I can take comfort in the fact that I am losing weight drastically because of all this worrying and am losing flab. Pathetic, isn't it? Well, they do say that a drowning man clutches at straws. Here's to hoping mine doesn't break.

INTRO

This is an attempt to make sense of my life through the medium of song titles. I feel nothing can do justice to the eddies and whirlpools that constantly plague my psyche. But something has to be done. So, here goes...